


The Straw

by FictionalWorldsAreExquisite



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, I really do, I suppose, i know this fandom has great tags, if i must remove the u i guess, it's just right now i can think of none, it's light hearted it's stupid it's dumb welcome to the fic, the rating is just for some swearing, this is just humour guys, wanted to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 23:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19711678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictionalWorldsAreExquisite/pseuds/FictionalWorldsAreExquisite
Summary: “Hi, Mr. Stark, are we leaving now? I’ve got all my stuff just like you said!” Peter was sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs, drinking...drinking juice?Tony thought he’d gotten pretty good at not swearing around the kid despite Peter’s protests that “Mr. Stark, I’m sure half my generation could outswear you” but really, this situation just asked for a, “Peter, what the fuck” and even then that was an understatement.You know that photo of Tom drinking with that stupid ass straw? yeah. i gave peter it.





	The Straw

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!! I read so much irondad but I've never written anything for it. Or anything marvel. I'm not usually great at characterisation and the first fic trying new characters is usually the worst so I apologise for anyone seeming OOC, I hope you can still enjoy it. (: I'd appreciate you going easy on me in the comments skdhsf I just had this dumb idea stuck in my head and I didn't know if there was any fics like this already so I...did it myself. Poorly, perhaps, but it happened nevertheless. I just had a concept and it needed to be written. If there are other fics like this lmk, I'd love to read them! If you have any CREATIVE criticism that's cool, I don't know if I'll write any more of them but I'd appreciate any things I did well or could do better regardless. Maybe I'll write more at a later date. also my tagging is probably bad,, i tried ok. oh and i edited this myself and i hate editing so all mistakes are on me, i tried to make sure i got most of them but...again, i hate editing.
> 
> listen semester b of uni starts up tomorrow i'm doing something nice tonight before THAT starts again
> 
> also if you've seen FFH, no spoilers, but that makes this funnier for a reason and you might get what i'm referring to if you've seen it. i wrote this before i saw it though so seriously no spoilers at all here and please keep any spoilers out of the comments for the sake of people who haven't seen it!

“Hi, Mr. Stark, are we leaving now? I’ve got all my stuff just like you said!” Peter was sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs, drinking...drinking juice?

Tony thought he’d gotten pretty good at not swearing around the kid despite Peter’s protests that “Mr. Stark, I’m sure half my generation could outswear you” but really, this situation just asked for a, “Peter, _what the fuck_ ” and even then that was an understatement.

Peter looked mildly confused at this outburst, looking around him probably to see if World War III was happening under his feet and it slipped his mind. Apparently deciding he had not, in fact, started the next world war, he settled on, “um, I’m thirsty?” and then, “you had juice boxes in the fridge and you said I could help myself,” and when Tony still continued to stare at him, “I know the straw is plastic and that’s like, REALLY bad for the environment, but if you wash it, this type is actually okay to reuse! I think anyway, I’ve been reusing it for a while and I’m not dead yet. Then again, my spider healing could be keeping me alive longer. I should probably research that, I guess.” This kid, Tony thought.

Tony gestured vaguely at his mask and back at the juice box with a, “kiddo, I think you’re missing the point.” Because did he really have to spell out what was bothering him?

“Missing the point like you’re at a party with a piñata and you’re swinging the bat JUST below it or missing the point like your pencil lead just snapped and it’s blunt now?”

“Missing the point like your pencil has never heard of lead, Underoos,” Tony couldn’t help but soften in response to Peter acting so...Peter-like but, “wait, can you use your heightened senses or your...spider sense to tell where the piñata is?”

“...No.” 

Tony squinted at Peter suspiciously before waving that off (for now) and gesturing for him to go on, “that pause was real convincing and we’ll be discussing that later but for now, the point, Pete.”

Peter hummed and looked thoughtful, “did I get the day wrong? I could’ve sworn you said Sunday but Sunday does sound like Monday when you’re not really listening-”

“You weren’t listening?!”

“-and Monday wouldn’t make as much sense since I have school but no one really wants to actively exist on Sundays, it’s more of a passive existence day except Spider-Man is obviously an active existence all the time-”

“Kid.”

“-because it’d be dangerous if he gave control of his body over to fate and the mind controller of the day. But Peter Parker? Life can control what happens to my body. Earthquake? Now I’ll be laying on the floor. Fire? Crispy. Hotel? Trivago. You know?” Peter sucked on his straw and Tony watched as the juice slowly made it’s way...presumably to his mouth. Scratch that, it was going to his mouth or else there’d be _talks_.

Tony was once again staring impressed because this kid could cover every topic but the elephant in the room and unimpressed because there is very clearly an ignored elephant in the room. And, for that matter, passive existence? Active existence? This whole generation was giving him a headache. 

“Kid. The straw.” That fucking straw.

“You said I was missing the point with the straw? But I bet we could work on an alternative in the lab if the plastic is bothering you that much. Or if plastic poisoning is a thing and you’re aware of that whereas I am not.” Peter was starting to sound confused which, he can get in line to join the club.

“Not the material.” It could be made out of human flesh for all Tony cared right now. Well, he thought, maybe that’d cross another line. Maybe.

“The shape? I mean. It’s flexible. Round. Tube-like. Probably the perfect size to suck up a strand of spaghetti with some sauce if you tried hard enough. I should try that next time May makes spaghetti. Or maybe I should make the spaghetti if I want it edible enough to be doing that.”

“No-” 

“You’re right! What if the spaghetti got stuck, then I WOULD be wasting plastic, dumb idea-”

“It is a stupid idea but the point is your straw is going through your fucking eye. Through your eyehole, Pete. I can see an eye and a straw disappearing into the depths of your suit.” Jesus Christ, he had to spell it out. He had to say that. He’s going to start carrying a mirror. His phone! He could take a picture, play what the fuck is wrong in this photo, that could’ve solved this so much quicker. Probably. He can already hear the oblivious, ‘do I have a mark on my face?’ comment though. This. Fucking. Kid.

“You’ve said the fuck word twice now-” 

Twice out loud, Tony thought, but decided not to share what went on in his mind. “Peter!” 

“I feel like we should get a swear jar, if I’m not allowed to say the frick word then you can’t either. I’ll tell Pepper.” Threats! In his own home!

“I’m an adult.” His birth certificate was...doesn’t matter, he is clearly not a Peter Parker-aged teenager.

“Barely.” In. His. Own. Home.

“God, you’re the worst child ever. Why are you in my home? Get out.” At least he still acts respectful in public.

“Well, we were supposed to be leaving like, ten minutes ago, so us getting out would be smart if you don’t want Pepper to yell at us.” Peter pushed himself off the counter and took another sip of his juice before gathering his things up.

“She’d yell at me, not you, Petey.” A second later that sentence catches up with him and shit, he’s definitely getting yelled at.

“I was just trying to help you.”

Distractions and deflections, Peter was not getting out of this original topic. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten the straw. We’re not leaving until you explain.”

“I got thirsty.”

At least they’re on topic now. “Okay. Continue.” And continue quickly, Pepper’s yelling would only get worse the later they were.

“Well, how else am I supposed to drink?”

What the fuck. Not through your eyehole? Via the mouth? Without straws playing twister? He settled on, “normally?”

“Yeah but then I’d need to take my mask off and that’s awfully identity revealing.”

“You’re in possibly the safest building in New York.” Almost certainly but he wasn’t here to brag. Except mentally.

“Okay, Mr. I Am Iron Man.”

“Peter.”

“Just saying.”

He sighed and changed tactics, “you’re going to poke your eye out doing that.”

“I’ve only poked it like, five times, and only damaged it once which healed surprisingly fast.” Peter sounded completely calm about this alarming statistic. 

“Oh my god, self-preservation, kid, look it up.” A dictionary, that’s what he’s getting for Christmas. A video recorded tutorial of googling self-preservation. A trip to the nearest common sense doctor.

“Okay but I feel like that’d be a good bonding experience for us considering your track record with it.” 

Again! How dare he! “Attacked in my own home.”

“Actually, that’s happened to you before literally, remember?” The attitude on this kid.

The conversation is over now, done, completed, finished, screwed up into a ball and thrown out the window. “God, go get in the car, we’re going to be late.”

Peter slides the straw out of his suits eye hole and closes it like a peephole cover in a door then looks at him. “Mr. Stark, should I wash this now or leave it for later?”

“Peter.”

“You’ve said my name an awful lot today, but noted. I’ll wash it later.”

Tony sighs and walks past Peter on his way to the car because he’s already reached his limit for the day and they haven’t even started the press conference. Then he hears from behind him.

“Oh no.”

He sighs louder and turns back around, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Peter Benjamin Parker-”

“No you don’t understand, Mr. Stark, listen.” 

And he bounds over towards him while Tony stares up at the ceiling, then begins shaking the juice box, “there’s some left in the bottom!”

“Oh for God's sake-”

**Author's Note:**

> bold of me to try to use italics on ao3 when i don't remember how to do it. hope you liked! or laughed at least once. that was kind of the point.


End file.
